new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
