At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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