One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize