There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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