It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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