we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
