I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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