I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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