I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
