allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
