my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
