I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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