he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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