I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
