Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
