Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
