P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
