I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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