Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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