Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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