My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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