I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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