He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
