Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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