Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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