Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
