I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
