I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
