Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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