I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
