I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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