he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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