Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
