My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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