I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
