My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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