I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
