U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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