Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
