On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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