Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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