either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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