i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
