It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
