He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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