just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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