walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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