I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
