I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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