so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
