the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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