I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
