her vagine was all disorganized.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
