You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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