I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
