I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
