I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
