hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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