Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
