By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
