Cold hands, warm shart.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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