Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
