i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
