I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
