This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
